A bit about my journey so far...
My self inquiry journey began in 2012 after my first child was born. I found myself struggling with every day life, and what seemed like the smallest of tasks to the outside world, felt like Everest to me. I was a first time mom and former “Miss Independent”, who quickly learned that mommy hood, was not in fact, the soft, quiet, gentle calling that is portrayed in so many Hollywood movies. I didn’t know anything about diapers, breast feeding, car seats, sippy cups or teeny tiny socks. I was, to say the least, overwhelmed. It was like all the years of my life to that point didn’t exist. I was a blank slate with no idea how to draw.
On a random Tuesday in April, I dropped the tiny version of myself off at a kids Yoga class. After, crying a little in the car, whether from leaving her for the first time or having a minute to myself I’m not sure, I took a long deep breath in, and out, and walked into the Hot Yoga studio next door. As a full figured woman I always felt self-conscious going into gyms, but damn it, I was at the end of my rope. I needed something, although I wasn’t sure what that exactly was.
Much to my surprise, there was no judgement from the staff or students. There were only welcoming smiles asking how they could help. HOW COULD THEY HELP?! I took another long deep breath in, and out. How COULD they help me? At this point I felt like a terrible human being. I hated being a mom. I hated being at home, ALL THE TIME. I hated playing housewife (of which I was also new too). I really just thought I was wrong. How could having a “normal” life, that “everyone” dreams of, not make me happy? What was wrong with me? I just politely smiled, asked for a class schedule, purchased an intro month for $40, thanked them and left.
The next day I was back, again the staff greeted me with a smile…I was jazzed for the first time in months! Then the class started…I NEARLY DIED…not actually but man…Yoga was hard, and they wanted me to do it in a room that was 45 degrees C! Challenge accepted! I gave it my all, as perfectly as I could manage, checking the mirror and the gym body beside me to prove to myself, and maybe to everyone else, that I belonged there, that I could totally do this! Boy was I was wrong...
It was about the end of my second week and I choose to attend a warm flow class. Halfway through the class I started feeling tears run down my face. What the hell was this? I’m working out, why am I crying? I didn’t know what was happening. I wanted to cry and release so much, but I also had to maintain my outer shell of togetherness, it was keeping me safe, it was really the only thing holding me together...or was it?
Fast forward to 2016. I was laid off from an industry that I had been in for the over a decade. I found myself with my now two children, at home, wondering...well now what? I decided to enjoy the summer with my kids (plus I got a puppy...that helped) and figure the rest out later.
Fall rolled around and a new school year begins, the September Issue comes out and life is back to full speed! And…I’m still at home. One random Tuesday night, while I began to look for a new job, I came across a training program for Yoga and Life Coaching certification...what the heck is Life Coaching? After talking it over with my husband, I decided if nothing else it might be nice to learn some new skills and spend time reflecting on what's next for me. I signed up, I chose to invest in myself and to see what might come from surrendering to the unknown.
The following month I was California bound! What I didn’t know was that the next 6 months would change me. Not only did I learn new skills, I changed on a cellular level. My brain changed. My attitude changed. My outlook and understanding of life changed. My body changed. My everything was forever different. I will forever be grateful for Hot Yoga, random Tuesdays and the unknown.
Join me as the journey continues…